20 August 2008

Well..he's a teenager now!!!

and it's happened....there's a teenager in the house or as jord would say
"ders a teenager in da house, dawg"
now my eyes are stinging and I've sooked half the day away and i don't care how stupid people think i am. my baby is getting bigger, i am feeling older and the realisation that he's going to be my only child makes me cry like a baby.
I have secondary infertility. Falling pregnant the first time took me a couple of years then i miscarried when he was about 2. After more years of trying and hormone tablets and tests etc etc my doctor told me i had to consider him as just a miracle that happened. I had keyhole surgery and was basically told that my ovaries are dead and that if i were to ever get pregnant again then it would be a miracle.
So i had the day off work today and took him to school. He kissed me goodbye and I took his bag of party food to his classroom, came out and stood near him and his friends. His mates excitedly said hi to me and he said "bye mum". I walked outside the gate and I just stood there and i watched and i stood there and i watched...for about 20 minutes, in the freezing cold like some psycho woman stalking the kids at school.
I had parents walking past me taking their kids inside the gate, they would smile or say hello. The same parents 5 minutes later walked past again but this time there would be no pleasantries just a sideways glace to check me out. Every few minutes I would see Jords hand come out and give me a little wave as if to say 'nick off mum'
But I just kept waving back, standing there watching until his class went inside at about 9.10am. At least I didn't cry at the school, I saved that for when I was in the car, howling and barley able to see the road because of my tears.
que, sera, sera


Debbie said...

Oh Ros... it must be heart breaking to know you cannot have more children. I have one teenager and one almost teenager in the house but I must admit I did not feel the sadness you feel. It is such a privelige to have a child (let alone three like me) Cheer up... on a lighter note ... imagine how you will feel when he turns 21 :)

cassandra said...

Hi Ros,
I think it is absolutely gorgeous that you stood outside your son's school watching him. I think it is important to notice these special moments in our lives and be able to stop and watch life.
And to know you cannot have children is something I couldnt imagine. Although I don't have any children myself, my children are my two labradors. And they are big babies, I tell you. And you are welcome to borrow them anytime you need some lab loving. There little faces can make the world a better place. (well thats what I like to believe). Anyway I know its not the same thing.
Cherish your son everyday and enjoy the miracle of him.

Melissa said...

Dearest Ros, I just wanted to say that in conversations with you previously about being a Mum to Jord, that you sound like an incredibly loving ,caring and cool Mother.He is so lucky to have you and you him .The biggest HUGS sweetie as I can't imagine my two hitting that age, but it will be here before I know it.William is going to be in double figures next year.
On a lighter note, I think of you often and just tonight I happened across your BLOG.....yippeee.I am so happy and excited.I have missed you a great deal In scrap-pile, so this makes it really special.I can drop in to leave a few words every now and then.
Your cards are just stunning Ros, and love what you have been creating with your cuttlebug...you always inspired me Mate...OMG...I am so very happy to have found you HI, HELLO, Hope you are going great.Love to you, Melissa